Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words can be Brutal

Relationships are fundamental to our lives not only as Christians but as part of our basic human DNA as well. While relationships provide us with companionship, friendship and colleagues, they also provide us with numerous challenges. The church is certainly not exempt from the complex nature of relationships. A friend of mine used to say in reference to the diversity of human nature and personalities – “It takes all kinds to make up this world.” How very true is this statement when it comes to the complex make up of individual people. Of course what makes our personalities and individuality interesting is when we enter into relationships with others, or become a part of a larger group.

Church folks, especially the clergy often take their fair share of criticism and beatings at the hands (or should I say words) of disgruntled people. The natural reaction for most of us when confronted with difficult behavior is to become defensive or simply withdraw. Knowing this raises several questions, especially when it comes to life in the church. What do we do with the hurt and pain caused to us by others in the church? How do we as Christians transcend the malicious intent of gossip? How do we, the Body of Christ seek out reconciliation rather than revenge? These are difficult questions, but often the reality we face in the corporate community of faith.

From time to time random people outside the congregation approach me in the grocery store, mall, restaurant or some other public place in order to express and explain why they no longer attend church (It must be the collar!). Part of the mantle I bear upon my shoulders as an Episcopal priest is to be a magnet for the disenfranchised, hurt and lost. I listen to these folks as they share their plight and painful experiences in the church. Whether it is due to gossip, power struggles or parish politics, these folk’s stories have a common thread – they left their community of faith with a bitter and disgusting taste for life in the church. Most of these folks leave their church feeling battered and in desperate need of healing and recovery. Many folks seek God elsewhere, while others become so put off by the internal squabbles and unhealthy reactions that they simply drift along as non-active members who only grace the doors of the church when it is absolutely necessary. Is this the Christian life and fellowship that we are called to live? What kind of example are we setting for the world at large when all it ever witnesses is our internal feuds and fights?

We do hurt each other in the church, and often. While it is a sad fact, it is also the broken nature of human-beings to want control their environment, need to be right, and nurture ego-centric and dysfunctional behavior. In his book, Never Call Them Jerks, Arthur Paul Boers explains that unfortunately in the name of Jesus destructive mental health issues are all too often protected and enabled by well intentioned people in the congregation, providing the dysfunctional behavior with a genuine sense of empowerment and validation; no matter what the cost. Of course the clergy are certainly not exempt from these divisive self-serving needs either.

So the real question is – when these divisive, unhealthy and selfish actions occur, how do we deal with them in a healthy, accountable and loving manner? In other words, how do we reconcile with each other and stop the unhealthy cycle of dysfunctional behavior? The key - don't enable the difficult behavior while continuing to reach out and try to build bridges, not walls. Of course this sounds easy but in reality is much harder to do, especially when human emotions are factored into the situation. Yet to ignore difficult behavior or to retaliate only deepens and widens the chasm which separates us. After all, isn't that the nature of sin -to divide? Jesus tells us to go to a person who we have issues, and speak with them directly. He goes on to say if they will not listen then go back to them with a witness. If they still refuse to reconcile then take it to the church. If that doesn't work then we have to let them go in love so that we might move forward with healthy and joy filled spiritual lives. Unconditional love and Reconciliation are after all at the very heart of the Gospel, but so is accountability. As for me, I want to be a bridge, not a chasm. Life is so much better when we are able to let go, and let God!