Blogging with Father John

Finding God in the Darkness of Life

I thought I had arrived. Twenty four years ago I pulled myself up against all odds out of an alcoholic hell, and made something of my life. I had a profound spiritual awakening and experience in those early days of sobriety, one that completely transformed my life in an incredible and life altering manner. Then several years ago without warning, while living happily in the light of the Spirit, in an instant that light disappeared in a cloud of dense, black darkness that descended upon me like an impenetrable veil. Living in a world of utter darkness, absent of God’s light is an excruciatingly painful, and a deeply lonely existence. It leaves a desolate void and a feeling of total emptiness inside one’s soul.

The world in which I found myself was one of hopelessness and helplessness. I tried to pray, meditate and read inspirational literature but they were all to no avail. Life became dismal and meaningless. I sought God in the blackness but there was no response or light, only the sound of my desperate pleas for help and relief. My spiritual grounding and foundation were gone in the blink of an eye, and I felt as if I were merely drifting aimlessly in a sea of darkness and despair with no anchor.

I usually avoid writing about myself and personal challenges, but in this case I break my anonymity in hopes of reaching out to those who suffer as I have, in order to let them know that there is hope despite the emptiness. God still exists in those dark places in our lives as I would eventually discover. 

We all need hope, meaning and purpose in our lives. They provide us with joy, fulfillment and happiness. Yet life often seems cruel and unfair. We all have issues and demons we have to fight and try to overcome. When we are not spiritually grounded and become overwhelmed by life’s cruelty, we feel lost; personally, professionally and spiritually. That is a terrible existence. In my life, the hopelessness, helplessness and darkness seemed so overwhelming at one point, that I stood in my driveway at 12am in the morning wondering if life was worth living. Who needs all of this pain and suffering every single day of their life? My whole world had become overwhelmingly dark and hopeless. Where was God in all of this? Why didn’t God  answer my prayers, or at least give me some sign he was at least listening? I had no desire to live anymore. Self-loathing and hate festered and grew in my heart and soul. As the darkness descended, the tears of anguish flowed down my cheeks. I felt utterly alone and abandoned. I was in the vice grip of mania, anxiety, depression, sorrow and overwhelming fear. Regret and remorse were overpowering as my spirit slowly sank into the abysmal depths of despair. I simply resigned myself to a life of deep misery.

Something unexpected soon occurred. Out of seemly nowhere, I remembered Elijah in I Kings 19. Having run from King Ahab and Jezebel in order to save his own life, he found himself fleeing all the way from Northern Israel to hiding out at Mt. Horeb (Mt Sinai) on the Sinai peninsula (Egypt). Tired, feeling abandoned by God and full of self-centered fear and doubt, he hid in a dark, dank cave on the holy mountain. God then sent a strong wind that cracked and broke rocks. Then he sent a fire storm followed by an earthquake. In all of that crashing wind, blazing storm and earth shaking, Elijah never heard the voice of God despite his desperate prayers. It was only afterwards in the sheer silence when he stepped out of the dark cave that Elijah heard the voice of God. Unexpectedly and suddenly spiritually renewed, he went on to become Israel’s greatest prophet and moved about without fear, worry or doubt. He was filled with God’s Spirit, and realized God never abandoned him. We too must step out of those dark, dank caves and meet God in order to hear his voice and feel his Spirit. We too must take courage to trust God enough to to listen to his voice that often tells us what we don’t want to hear.

God speaks to us so much like Elijah. It is important to remember that God is always present in our lives despite life’s unfairness and difficulties. We just have to listen, not with our ears but with our hearts. If we do, like Elijah, hope will rise up out of the ashes of our lives. We discover that hope is grounded in faithful and joyful determination to persevere in life, knowing that God is with us even in the empty silence. Sometimes God doesn’t give us what we want or desire because he is developing and forging our character. But it is important to remember despite life’s hardships, God always shows up in our lives at the perfect time, God’s time. 

If we look at the New Testament  Gospels we discover that Jesus never promised us an easy life, but he did promise he would be present with us in the details of our lives. Jesus reminds us that we are called to do the will of the Father regardless of what it leads us through, or whatever suffering we must endure. 

I have learned through a recent spiritual reawakening that God is always present in every single part of our lives. God never forgets his promise of salvation to us. Salvation comes through the love and sacrifice of his only begotten Son, Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior. Through him we receive the promise of a renewed life and are redeemed by his blood. This is God’s promise of complete and unconditional love for each of us. We are all beloved children of God and thus have purpose and meaning in life. I am reminded that God doesn’t make junk. Everything he creates is fundamentally good. So even in the grip of hopeless despair, it’s important to remember that we are all worthy of love, forgiveness and redemption. God will never cast us aside like some putrid garbage.

It’s important to remember as we follow Christ on this spiritual journey, despite the challenges we meet along the way, never mistake God’s silence for his absence. God is with us always, even when we can’t feel his presence. God is stronger than any adversity we may face in this life, or anything that comes against us. Our hope is grounded in our relationship with God. 

Remember during this Christmas season that Jesus was called Emmanuel, which means, “God with us.” If we remain silent in our heart and mind, we will hear the still small voice of God, despite the chaos that ravages the world outside.

As for me, I will not allow my disabilities to define me, for I know in my heart that God is not done with me yet. Take the risk and step out of the dark cave and into the sheer silence and hear the voice of God.